How to Not Be So Hard on Yourself & Build Self Confidence at Work

by nukhba khan

Reading Time: 7 mins

To Be Hard On Yourself

Is it normal for you to beat yourself for making even the most minor mistakes at work?

It was for me. Every day I would go into work ready to outperform and get noticed so I could get one step closer to my next promotion. But then, something always happened.

Sometimes it was a small mistake that I made in a presentation. I got the growth percentage wrong by a few decimal points. Probably a typo. But I got it wrong, and everyone saw the mistake I made. How could I have let that happen? How could I be so careless? No one is going to trust my numbers ever again.

Once the critical voice in my head started, it would not stop in its mission to thoroughly beat me up for the mistake I had made. And when I did manage to brush it off, this critical voice would quickly find something new. Sitting in a meeting where I didn't speak up, it would come back with a vengeance, saying, why are you not speaking up in this important meeting? Everyone had something to share, and you had nothing? People will think you are not smart enough to contribute.

Does this sound all too familiar?

Let me begin by telling you that you are not alone. We are our own harshest critics. We are much harder on ourselves than others. We expect ourselves to be flawless, which is absurd and unrealistic.

But then, you might think that if you don't hold yourself to high standards, how will you ever be successful? You might be working in a very competitive environment where you have no choice but to push for excellence so you can be recognized as a high achiever.

The downside is that you will feel that there is always 'more' that you can do or should do. And this 'more' is such a vague and moving target - no matter what you do, there is always more you can do. Isn't it? If you are constantly hard on yourself that you 'could-have' or 'should have' done more, it will begin to sap all your energy and start weighing you down. Which will lead to burnout and having heaps of self-doubt.

It doesn't have to be this way.

If you know that you are too hard on yourself at work, these 3 powerful strategies will help you lessen the pressure and start feeling good about your performance at work.

How To Not Be So Hard On Yourself & Build Self Confidence

1. Change Your Perspective When You Compare Yourself to Others

Are you constantly comparing yourself to others? I used to do it excessively and found that I fell short on all fronts because there was always someone who did something better than me. Someone was always making better presentations than me. Someone else was always more analytical, and there was always someone more creative than me. There was always someone doing a better job than me, and I felt I had to work harder and stay longer hours at work to live up to these high standards.

I didn't realize that you have your own unique set of skills. You have got to start accepting this as well. No one is perfect at 'everything.' And when you compare yourself to others, you are comparing their front stage performance to your 'behind the scene' version. You are comparing apples to oranges!

Comparing yourself to others is a guaranteed way to feel bad. And it almost always causes you to be hard on yourself because you are never doing as well as others. You either have to stop comparing, or you have to change the way you compare. If you compare yourself to others, start practicing to turn the harmful habit into more positive and constructive. How do you do that?

Turning your habit of comparing to be an exercise that helps you get inspired and motivated. Stop comparing with others to prove that you are not as good but rather compare to learn from others and improve yourself.

Learn to take control and change the narrative in your head when you compare yourself to others. It is the only way to make this natural tendency become more constructive and help you avoid being too hard on yourself.

2. Redefine Your Wins

Do you define your success in a super-specific way? Requiring excellence and perfection at all times? If you do, it is time for you to widen the scope of your wins, specifically how you measure your success.

For most of us, a win's when we receive external recognition and praise. But success at work is much more than that. A victory can be when you overcome some fear at work. Or it can be when you say 'no' and push back to take better care of your well-being. It can also be taking a small step towards your big work aspiration or even thinking differently with a healthier mindset is a win. Do you see what I am getting at? A win is not just a promotion or your coworkers clapping at your success on a project or presentation. It is much broader.

And if you want to curb your habit of being too hard on yourself at work, a must-do for you is to redefine your work wins to include more possibilities. For example, if you hesitate to speak up in a meeting because of the fear that you have nothing 'valuable' to say. Then perhaps consider that even small input from you might trigger the conversation to go in a different direction that might generate new ideas, which will be a win. And another win would be that you overcame the fear of speaking up even when you believed what you had to say was insignificant.

Broadening your success definition will help you find more moments where you feel proud of your accomplishments, big and small. And this will also help you stop being so hard on yourself all the time.

3. Focus on The Right Gap

Sometimes, when you are too hard on yourself, it's because you see the wide gap between where you are and where you want to be. And you think somehow being tough on yourself will help you achieve your big aspirations quickly. But you also have to note that the goal you are chasing is a moving target. Because, once you reach it, you will start focusing on the next goal that you have to achieve.

Knowing the gap between where you are and where you need to go is essential to give life direction and meaning, but that should not be the only gap you focus on. So here is what I suggest; you have to pay attention to the gap that shows how far you have come. I.e., remembering where you started and acknowledging how far you have come.

Focusing on the gap between where you started and where you are today will give you a reason to celebrate and not be so hard on yourself. While understanding the gap between your ideal and your current position will provide the direction and motivation to keep pushing forward.

Unfortunately, many of us focus solely on how much further we have to go. And we end up beating ourselves over the fact that we are not reaching our goals fast enough and completely ignore how far we have come along. Don't be that person.

Summary: Don't Be Too Hard on Yourself, Learn to Trust Yourself

When you are hard on yourself, you think you are only doing it to push yourself to do better and be your best. But the problem starts when you start focusing on only your faults. Even though your intention was to try and do better, your approach to accomplish that, i.e., being overly critical of yourself, can cause more harm. And that is what you have to watch out for being too hard on yourself and try your very best to avoid it.

To help you to stop being hard on yourself, remember these 3 steps:

Stop comparing yourself to others; beating yourself up because you fall short compared to others is the most unfair thing that you can do to yourself. We all have unique strengths and skill sets. You have to accept yourself for who you are. And when you do look at other people's successes, make it a habit to not let it cause you to be hard on yourself but rather inspire you to improve yourself.
Redefine your wins; success is not just professional wins where you receive external recognition. Your success also includes all the moments where you made yourself proud, no matter how small it may feel. Start to broaden the scope of how you define your wins. This will help you stop being hard on yourself and celebrate your big and small successes.
Focus on the right gap; start looking at how far you have come from your starting point rather than only focusing on how far you have yet to go to reach your goals and aspirations.

P.S. Want to learn a really cool step-by-step method to better control your feelings and emotions at work? And finally, stop letting external things, people, events, situations dictate how you feel?

👇Download👇the free guide: 5-Step Guide to Becoming a Happier You at Work

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