Tired of People Pleasing? Learn to Be More Assertive at Work.
Tired of People Pleasing?
Learn to Be More Assertive at Work
By Nukhba Khan
Do you think you are a people-pleaser at work?
🔸 Is it hard for you to say NO at work, which means you say yes to unreasonable requests?
🔸 Do you quickly agree with people, especially your bosses, even when you don't really agree?
🔸 Do you downplay your ideas, skills, and abilities because you fear how others may perceive you?
🔸 And do you find it extremely hard to be assertive?
If you said yes to any of the above, you might be suffering from the people-pleasing syndrome.
I have been there! But I have also now learned how to better manage my people-pleasing tendencies.
My People-Pleasing Syndrome Story
I was a chronic people-pleaser.
The irony was that I actually thought I was genuinely a nice person that gets along with everyone. But with age comes wisdom 🤓, and I started noticing I put on different personalities with different people to keep everyone happy. Initially, I got scared because I thought I suffered from some split personality disorder. No kidding! I brought it up with my life coach as and we came to a more accurate diagnosis that I was a people pleaser! And I realized that the I was people-pleasing because I did not like confrontations.
As my awareness of my habit increased, I discovered my people-pleasing tendency was tied to a much deeper issue. It was tied to a belief that I don't fit in easily or don't belong.
Voila! My people-pleasing habit stemmed from this need to belong. (Where this belief comes from … is a story for another day!) But this habit of mine created havoc, especially in my work-life and to no one's fault but my own.
Do you go through something similar? If you do, stick around. Why? I will share the exact steps I took and also teach my clients to break this soul-sucking habit. And, yes! It is absolutely possible to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies, build the ability to be assertive when needed, and prioritize your own needs appropriately.
So let's get started.
What is People-Pleasing
Simply put, people-pleasing is when you are always trying to appease others and have this compulsion to put everyone else's needs above your own.
But isn't it a good thing to be that person who acts selflessly? Well, it's okay when it's done in moderation. But when your commitment to appease others stems from your need to be liked and accepted by everyone, and it ends up causing you stress, then that is not a good thing ... at all.
The Key Signs That You Are A People-Pleaser
🔸 You do whatever it takes to avoid confrontation and miss out on the chance to improve situations and learn and grow from experiences.
🔸 To gain approval, you say "YES" when inside, you're kicking and screaming, "hell, no." Saying "NO" is extremely difficult for you.
🔸 To avoid hurting people, you boldly and yet innocently tell white lies.
🔸 You suppress what you are thinking and your voice to please others and be in everyone's good books.
🔸 Your self-worth is tied to others praising you, and you are constantly seeking external validation.
🔸 To avoid disappointing others and to be liked, you end up taking more on your plate, compromising your personal productivity, and end up feeling overwhelmed.
🔸 You feel responsible for other's happiness.
🔸 To fit in, you morph yourself into what the other person wants you to be and try to reflect and be like the people around you.
🔸 You easily take the blame and jump the line to apologize.
🔸 You find it difficult to give yourself the credit you deserve.
The Dangers of Being a People Pleaser: How it Could Be Affecting Your Career
BURN-OUT
People-Pleasing in the workplace leads to declining your own well-being. And yup, that results in burn-out. For external validation, appeasing people, avoiding conflict, or whatever the underlying reason may be, you say yes to things even when you don't have the capacity or the energy. And you end up feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. This can leave you feeling overwhelmed and can have an impact on your work performance.
Do you see how people-pleasing could be holding you back in excelling in your career?
YOU FEEL STUCK
As a people-pleaser, the fear of disappointing others or not being liked restrains you from asking for what you need. Because you are afraid to ask for what you want and desire, likely, the opportunities will not present themselves to you. This can result in making you feel like you are stuck in your career. If you are not advocating for yourself at work, you got to know that nobody else will.
STRESS AND ANXIETY
Suppose you constantly guard yourself against being disliked, disapproved, or rejected by other people while also trying to control how people think about you. In that case, it can create a whole lot of anxiety in your life. Instead of being present in conversations and discussions at work, you constantly worry about what you are saying and how you are showing up. This can be draining and leads to putting unnecessary stress and pressure on yourself. Not only does this keep you in a constant state of anxiety, but you also miss the chance of showing up as your best self at work.
Ways You Can Stop Being a People Pleaser
1. Awareness
The first step is to recognize your people-pleasing tendencies. This is the most essential and critical step in breaking this habit that disrupts your life. Because until and unless you raise your awareness of your people-pleasing pattern, you will continue to unconsciously fulfill your need to appease the needs of others over yours.
Here is what you can do to raise your awareness:
Start to observe and notice yourself, your thoughts, and your actions around your managers and co-workers.
Journal about how, where, and when you succumb to the people-pleasing habit.
How it makes you feel.
And how you could have done things differently.
This will help raise your awareness and help prep you to avoid people-pleasing the next time you are in a similar situation.
2. Uncover Beliefs: Why Do You Indulge In People-Pleasing
Understanding is power. It becomes much easier to change your behavior if you are aware of why you do certain things. If you are ready to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies, start thinking about the root cause of why you indulge in this habit.
In my case, I was holding on to a limiting belief that I don't belong. And naturally, to try and fit in, I would fall into the trap of making everyone happy and neglecting my own needs. And because I knew exactly where my habit of pleasing stemmed from, I worked on the root cause of this harmful behavior. And that helped me to manage and control my people-pleasing habit.
3. Boundaries
You have to (and, you must!) identify and understand your needs, and you have to create boundaries to help you meet those needs. So, to better understand your needs, ask yourself what makes you feel energized? What makes you feel happy? What is necessary for you to function better?You can start by building a list of your emotional, mental, physical, and social needs.
For example:
Emotional Need: Time for self-reflection, meditation, and/or journal time
Intellectual Need: working x% of time on projects that drive creativity and provide intellectual stimulation.
Physical Need: Getting x hours of sleep, exercising, diet
Relationships/ Social Need: Having evenings off for family, not working on weekends, meeting friends x number of times in a week.
Once you know what helps keep your energy tank full, you can then brainstorm how or what you have to do to meet these needs.
Finally, think about what boundaries you need to set to help you address and fulfill your needs. This is like a list of your “non-negotiables” that you can also share with co-workers, family, friends and ask them to support you.
For example, you can let your manager and co-workers know that you have decided to take care of your physical fitness, and to do that, you have joined a spin class.
Make them understand that this means that you will need to leave work for your fitness class by a specific time. And let them know why this goal is important for you, and ask them to support you in it. This will help you to stay accountable as well!
To keep in mind: Understanding your needs and creating boundaries can feel challenging at first, especially if you have never thought about your needs before. So start small.
Also, it helps to schedule your 'need' actions on a calendar or somewhere where you can be mindful of it and ensure you regularly do it. Getting an accountability buddy to help you stay on track is helpful as well.
4. Practice saying 'NO.'
It's not always easy to push back and say "no, or to speak your mind when you feel others want to hear something else. So here is a simple reframing technique to help you with it:
If you are declining something or not agreeing with something, then reframe the situation in your mind. A reframe includes why you need to say no. A reframe also reminds you that you need to be assertive when necessary - because only you can look out for yourself.
Example:
Your initial thought sounds something like this: How can I refuse and say no to her! She is going to hate me for saying no. She will ask me questions about why I am refusing, and I don't want to have that conversation - it will be too difficult. Forget it; I’ll make say yes and make it work, somehow.
The reframed thought: I am not saying no just for the heck of it! I am doing it because I honestly have no capacity/energy to do what she asks me to do. It is not my priority at the moment. I have to take care of myself, and so I must confidently say no. I am choosing to show up authentically and say what I need to say. It is the right thing to do for me.
And that, my friend, is the art of reframing!
Start practicing this reframing technique on the smaller stuff at work, and then build your courage to speak your mind in whatever situation you are in. You will soon see it becomes easier to say no firmly and without any guilt. How amazing would that be, right?!
5. Amp up and commit to your self worth vs. assigned worth
Finally, how you feel about yourself should be determined by you, not by what you think others think of you. You have to get into the practice of better understanding yourself, accepting yourself, and showing compassion and love to yourself. Only when you understand yourself, fully accept, and love yourself, you stop allowing other people and external circumstances to define you.
And when YOU define your own worth, you take your power back and lose the need to ever indulge in people-pleasing. So commit to routines that help you amp up your self-worth.
Here are some ideas to get you started
Read daily positive affirmations,
Practice positive self-talk; use only kind words towards yourself,
Accept who you are at this point while striving for growth and personal development over time.
Honestly, people-pleasing is like a bad addiction. And you have to first accept that you are addicted to it.
If you accept and commit to overcoming this addiction, you will quickly realize that it is totally doable to scale back on your people-pleasing tendencies. And once you do scale back, you will find that your focus and productivity at work will improve. You will stress less. People will start respecting you for having your own opinions. And you will be able to be more confident and assertive when necessary.
So get started, and start thinking about the action you can begin to take right away to combat your people-pleasing habit. #takeactio
But wait, there’s more!
If you are ready to take action then grab this free guide
5-Steps to Become a Happier You at Work
In this guide, you will learn how to:
Practice letting go of your people-pleasing habits that hold you back at work.
Take actions to restore calm and ease in your work-life.
MEET NUKHBA
Hey there, I am Nukhba, a Life Transformation Coach and Mindset Mentor.
I coach women in high-demand careers how to tackle and better manage their work stressors and self-doubts so they can confidently start to enjoy work and restore a sense of calm in their lives.
I know too well that if your work-life is not a happy place, it becomes challenging to be content outside of work also, and chances are you start to hate your life.
I believe we all have the power to live life with more ease and joy.
This blog serves as a space for all things balance, personal empowerment, upgrading habits & beliefs, happier lifestyle and more.